Nora McInerny has become a reluctant expert in difficult conversations by bringing empathy and wit to difficult subjects. She is host of the American Public Media podcast Terrible, Thanks for Asking and founder of the on-line support group the Hot Young Widows Club. I recently spoke with her about her new memoir No Happy Endings where she describes her exploration of the reality of being changed by loss without being completely defined by it.
Within the span of a few months, Nora lost her husband to brain cancer, miscarried her second child, and saw the passing of her father. Not long after those tragic events, she found love again in Matthew, her new husband. Through it all, she describes the awkwardness of being a widow, the difficulties of becoming a single mom, and the guilt of finding love again.
With great humor and sensitivity, Nora reminds us that there will be no happy endings in life, but there will be new beginnings.
It’s National Sibling Day and instead of thinking about the short life I spent with my brother Roland, I’ve given thought all day to his funeral. Perhaps is was because I was preparing for an interview with author Nora McInerny. Her book, No Happy Endings, is a memoir that chronicles the personal tragedy of losing her husband to brain cancer not long after they married. She writes, often with great humor, about the awkwardness of being a widow and how being around people became increasingly difficult. Which brings me back to my dead brother and the awkward day of his funeral.
My brother Roland died in 1999 at the promising age of 36 from complications resulting from the treatment he received as a kidney patient. After his body rejected the first kidney transplant, he had a 2nd operation that we thought was successful after living for 4 years with it. I’m not sure I was ever told what the official cause of death was.
A day or so before he passed, I received a call from my uncle Mike who said, “your brother isn’t doing well and I think you should come home.” I was dead asleep in the guest room of our house (because I snored like a growling bear) when the call came from my mother. My wife walked in the room and handed me the phone. My brother had passed before I could get there. I howled for quite some time as my childhood flashed before my eyes. Cried until there were no more tears to cry. Death had never come so close to me.
I learned a lot about my brother during his funeral. He was well respected by the faculty of the theology school he attended and by leaders from his church. Great moments of pride swelled my chest. The church was full of family, friends, church members and school mates. So many people that I could find a quiet place to think. I couldn’t breathe.
As grand a send off as it was, I hated the entire affair. I have always found funerals to be a morbid and unnecessary ritual. Looking at dead bodies is a creepy exercise and I was in no mood to socialize. My brother was a devout Christian and his funeral was as about as Christian as a funeral could be. Christians view funerals as a “home going” event, a reason to celebrate. Yet I was in no celebratory mood.
I had what could only be described as an out-of-body experience that day. Aside from my wife, who understood what I was going through, and my sister-in-law who was devastated upon losing her soulmate, everyone seemed to me to be attending a different event. The laughs and smiles, jokes and hugs all seemed foreign to me. There I was in my grief having just lost my only brother and people were engaging me as if we were attending a church picnic.
The thoughts that ran from the depths of my mind to the tip of my tongue were held back only out of respect for my mother. “What the fuck are you smiling at?” “You find this to be a fun event?” “Yes, I haven’t seen you in quite some time. Now get out of my damn face.” “Yes, upstate New York is beautiful country…now piss off.” I wanted to grieve. I needed to grieve. But these people did not understand the needs of the heathen black sheep of the family. The non-church attending son. The one yet to have his body snatched by space invaders. They didn’t understand the immense guilt that I carried knowing that the last conversation that I had with Roland was an argument about my not being saved.
I helped the other men carry my brother’s body to the dead person’s car. Weak in the knees, he nearly slipped from my grip. What a total dick I would have been if I dropped my dead brother to the ground. But I held on tight.
I still carry the guilt of not saying goodbye and the guilt of not donating a kidney and likely always will. It’s difficult separating that guilt from the memories. It’s a burden I’ll happily bear if it means that I can still remember the sound of his voice, his laugh, and his trying to save my lost soul.
Researchers find that achieving happiness typically involves times of considerable discomfort, and that much of happiness is under our personal control. Indulging in small pleasures, getting absorbed in challenging activities, achieving goals and maintaining close social bonds can all increase life satisfaction.
But what if your life has spun out of control? When all seems lost, can you find your way to happiness from rock bottom? Our next guest says, “yes”. After a failed marriage was closely followed by the death of his only brother, David Mauro, who suffered from depression, found himself at rock bottom. That is until he decided to climb a mountain. David is the author of The Altitude Journals: A Seven-Year Journey From the Lowest Point in My Life to the Highest Point on Earth. He tells us how he found his way back to happiness after his journey to rock bottom took him to the top of Mt Everest.
We can all relate to having low points. Some lower than others. What separates us is how we climb our way back to normal. Back to happier times.
In this conversation, David Mauro describes how his passion for mountain climbing forced discipline and focus in his life when he lacked it most. He explains how “rock bottom” can be the ultimate “gift.” And he tells us how conquering the challenges of mountain climbing allowed him to finally deal with his problems.
It’s a great conversation and there are good lessons to be learned. I hope you’ll give it a listen.
Do you have a “rock bottom” to happiness story? Feel free to share it here if you’re comfortable doing so.
For more information on David and his adventures, visit his website here.
explore happiness and what it means to be truly happy, we keep coming across a
repetitive theme…that happiness isn’t something that happens to you. Happiness is something that happens because
Behavioral scientists have spent a lot of time studying happiness and we know that happiness can predict health and longevity. So why wouldn’t we want more happy moments in our lives? I think most of us do, but we can often be our own worst enemy. We can sabotage our efforts and desires to live a happier life, often without even realizing it.
We must work at being happy and a part of that work includes removing obstacles that prevent us from experiencing joyous moments.
On this episode of Life in HD, we hear from Sheri D. Engler, author and illustrator of the book The Pearls of Wisdom: A Fairy Tale Guide to Life’s Magic Secrets for All Ages. Sheri helps us understand why we hold on to emotional clutter and how relieving yourself of it can help you lead a happier, more fulfilling life. Sheri is an experienced mentor, medium, and meta-physicist with a background in counseling and research. She received her BA in Clinical Psychology from San Francisco State University.
If we hold on to the clutter in our emotional storage space, we block our ability to think happier thoughts and conquer negative thinking. Thank you for giving this episode a listen. And please share your techniques or activities for clearing your mind with me in the comments section.
From Acts 20:35 of the King James Bible we get the notion that “it’s better to give than receive.” A noble proposition for sure, but is it truly better?
Psychologist say many people don’t give enough to themselves. Studies show that those who practice self-care can reap benefits in their mental state, physical health, and relationships.
In this next series of Life in HD podcasts, we will explore the pursuit of happiness. What it is, how we define it, and why obtaining it is easier for some more than others.
In this episode, I examine how self-care can lead to happiness when you make yourself a priority. I speak with Christopher Felton, author of the book Re-Member Yourself: A Healing Journey Through Your Innerverse. In his book, Christopher attemps to provide some answers to the question: in living for others, have you forgotten to live for yourself? A Healing Journey is a self-help book and journal and it encourages us to be recipients of our own good acts. In this regard, selfishness can actually be a good thing. Push play on the audio player and take a listen.
Welcome to Life in HD – the podcast that puts a spotlight on how we live our lives. [LANGUAGE ADVISORY]
You and I
both know how difficult personal change can be.
We are creatures of habit and we operate in comfort zones where sticking
to habits, whether good or bad, bring us the comfort of familiarity. But what if what’s comfortable for you makes
you not a likeable person? Brings out
traits that you don’t like in yourself?
What do you do then? You know the
kind of person that you want to be…you can see yourself in your mind’s eye…but
how do you get there?
I talked with man who, faced with that very scenario, decided to go through a personal transformation and he shares his journey with us on this episode.
John Kim, known as The Angry Therapist, was forced to face his shortcomings as a man and a human being. After a heart-wrenching divorce, he turned to blogging as a way to explore how to become a better person. He shares his journey and his discoveries in a new book titled “I Used to be a Miserable Fuck: An Every Man’s Guide to a Meaningful Life” He describes, that after some deep soul searching, that he was indeed a miserable man. He considers his journey as something of a rebirth.
In a sense,
John Kim is redefining what it means to be a man. In his work, he finds that there are many
fatherless young men out there without proper role models to emulate or provide
a moral compass.
In “I Used to be a Miserable Fuck”, The Angry therapist draws on his own personal experiences as a therapist and a man to help readers, men and women, start some important internal dialogue and think about who you are…and who you want to be. He says it requires work: reflection, pain, courage, and perhaps a rebirth. And he offers this book as a guide.
There are a number of do’s and don’ts in this book that will challenge you to examine yourself and your definitions of manhood. Like “Do live a through me life”, and “Don’t pee in the shower”.
My wife and I purchased a condo in Palm Beach, FL in 2017. It started as a family vacation home but has quickly turned into our likely place for retirement.
While she hails from Virginia and I was born and raised in Maryland, we have lived and raised our family in the Syracuse, NY area for over 25 years. That equates to 25 mostly brutal winters. We have both had enough.
Yes, Florida is becoming passe as a retirement destination and the state has its fair share of challenges including oppressive summer heat and the occasional hurricane, but in the year and a half that we’ve been traveling there, we have fallen in love with the Palm Beach and West Palm Beach areas. And anytime you actually close on a property 1 day from hurricane landfall when everyone is evacuating and everything still turns out fine, you know that the strength of your dream is forged in fire.
One of the reasons we have fallen in love with the place is the ample public art and murals that bring the town alive and pop with visual stimulation. It forces you to stop in your tracks, gaze, and contemplate.
West Palm Beach and adjacent towns like Lake Worth offer a variety of urban art, murals and sculptures. Mix it with great restaurants, mild weather, gorgeous beaches, and a vibrant cultural scene and you have the makings of our version of a dream retirement destination.
Our most recent visit offered an opportunity for us to give the place an “empty nest” spin. With the eldest daughter out on her own and the youngest living on campus, we were able to give our future a dry run. It was an extended weekend of discovery. New places to dine, new beaches to visit and there is always art right around the corner.
Winter in the northeast can be such a life-less time of year, especially for a child of the south, and each subsequent winter drives me deeper into seasonal depression. South Florida’s mild temperatures, blooming vegetation, and swaying palm trees seem to be the perfect remedy for us.
Do me a favor. Close your eyes and think of your future self. Are your eyes closed? Good. Visualize yourself at 57, 62, 65 or even 70 years of age. What are you doing? Where are you living? Specifically, how do you spend your days? Walks on the beach? Enjoying hobbies? Are you living your best life? Are you retired or still working? Now think about whether or not you have the resources to live life comfortably.
A GoBankingRate.com survey on retirement savings revealed that 42% of survey respondents reported having less than $10,000 saved for retirement, including 13.7% who said they had $0 saved. If you count yourself among them, you have considerable ground to gain if you want to just take care of your basic needs in retirement. The changes that you make today can help you live more comfortably tomorrow.
In this episode of Life in HD podcast, I speak with Vicki R. Brackens, President and Financial Planner at Brackens Financial Solutions Network and registered representative of LPL Financial, member SIPC. Vicki helps us map out some strategies to reduce debt and start saving. We also tackle the common excuses people cite as reasons they can’t save. Take a listen. Your future self with thank you.
Target Audience: people who find themselves behind in saving for retirement.
Focus: establish what you’ll need – understanding the Social Security piece of the pie – reducing debt – eliminating excuses – vehicles that will help you grow your nest egg.
Americans consume, on average, over 222 pounds of meat per person per year. And that big juicy rib eye steak that we enjoy has an impact on our environment. From deforestation to polluted water to methane-producing livestock, the meat and dairy industry’s impact on the planet is massive and contributes roughly 60% of agriculture’s greenhouse gas emission.
Can adopting a vegan or vegetarian diet or reducing the amount of meat that we consume reduce our impact on the planet? To help me make sense of the connection between the demand and consumption of meat and the increase in greenhouse gasses, I am joined by Robert M Wilson, Associate Professor of Geography at Syracuse University’s Maxwell School of Citizenship and Public Affairs. Part one of this episode explored how reducing meat in our diets can produce better health outcomes for our bodies. This episode explores how the same can have better health outcomes for the planet. Thanks for listening.
Are you a resister? The kind of person that is resistant to change but you actually want to change that behavior? Well you are in the right place. This season of the Life in HD podcast is devoted to change both big and small.
If you’ve ever considered moving to a more plant-based diet, now would be a good time to make that change. To help us think through it, I chat with Ruth Sullivan a registered dietitian at Syracuse University. She helps us understand the health benefits of a plant-based diet and guides us on the best way to get started if it’s the change we want to make. Then I check in with Karen DeVose, a busy higher education professional on her recent decision to live a meat-less lifestyle. It’s an informative discussion. Just push play on the audio player and absorb the info.
Change is not always easy. We live our lives conditioned to do the same things over and over because we are creatures of habit. Familiarity brings comfort. And yet change, if we are open to it, can bring about some very positive consequences.
This season of Life in HD is devoted to change. Getting out of our comfort zones, shedding old habits, and striving for growth. We start things off with a conversation with Courtney Carver, author of the book Soulful Simplicity: How Living With Less Can Lead to so Much More. She also publishes the blog Be More With Less where she writes about living a simple, clutter-free life.
This isn’t a conversation about freeing up counter space or organizing closets. Instead, it’s about getting your mind and soul ready to let go of all of the physical and emotional baggage. She has an amazing story to tell and I hope you’ll give this episode a listen. Hear her describe the 3 myths of ownership and tell us about the wake up call that inspired Courtney to change her life.
Do Too Many Women Still Rely on a Man for Their Financial Plan?
Do too many women still rely on a man as their financial plan? Kathy Longo, certified financial planner and author of Flourish Financially says, yes. According to a CNN Money article, a report from USB found that 56% of married women leave investment and long-term financial planning to their husbands and 85% of women who defer to their husbands feel that their spouses are more educated on financial matters.
As a financial planner, Kathy Longo has seen first hand how major life events like divorce, job loss, or death of a spouse can reveal major surprises for women who were not active in their household financial planning. Many are shocked by crippling debt, sparse savings accounts, and bad credit. Situations that can keep them from living their best life.
What can you do to be more informed and active in your financial planning? We chat about it on this episode of Life in HD. Give a listen and learn what you and your spouse can do to plan your future together.
George Kilpatrick, host of Inspiration For the Nation on Power 620 AM in the Syracuse, NY market, faced a few health related issues a few years back. He responded by taking control of his life, changing his lifestyle, and getting fit.
In episode 2 of our series on health and wellness, we explore practical ways to address your fitness deficiencies. No experts and no fitness gurus. Just to average guys who have struggled with weight chatting about the lifestyle changes they made to reach their fitness goals. You are never too old and never too fat to get started. Take a listen to this before inking your 2019 New Year’s resolution.
Things happen in our lives that leave emotional scars that are difficult to let go of. Past experiences that occupy our thoughts and keep us from living a fulfilled life. As we continue the health & wellness series, Dr Susan Nicholas helps us understand what we are going through and how we can recondition the mind through introspection to let go of the painful past so that we can live in the present.
For more information on Dr Susan Nicholas visit her site here.
Over the next few episodes of Life in HD, we will focus on improved health for a better life. There’s no question that declining health (physical, mental, financial) poses a threat to your quality of life. And if we want to experience a rich life full of special moments and meaningful connections, we must make sure that we are physically, emotionally, and financially able to do so.
Nearly half of American Adults have hypertension..including me. And most of us treat it with prescribed medications. Those can often come with side effects that impact the quality of life. In this episode, I speak with alternative medicine specialist Dr Steven Helschien, founder of Level 1 Diagnostics, a comprehensive testing program to detect and prevent cardiovascular disease. He talks about the bad habits that lead to high blood pressure, the side effects associated with prescription meds, and alternative ways to address the issue.
Information on the “hand grip therapy” mentioned in this episode can be found at Zona.(Mention of this product does not equal an endorsement).
Information on Level 1 Diagnostics can be found in the link in paragraph 2.
General information on heart health and hypertension can be found here.
We take basic necessities like diapers for granted. However, what you and I consider a necessity millions of people in this country find to be a daily struggle. About 15 million children in America live in families that fall below the federal poverty rate. That’s 21% of all children. Many of these families work but earn low wages or have unstable employment; leaving basic necessities like diapers difficult to come by. And this can have a cascading affect on the health and well being of bother mother and child.
I sat with two women to get educated on the issue and to find out what kind of work that the CNY Diaper Bank was doing to make an impact in our community. In this episode of Life in HD you’ll meet Michela Hugo, founder of the local non-profit Diaper Bank, and Cayla Clark, volunteer and former board member. Their work is inspiring.
For more information and to learn how you can help mother’s in need, visit the CNY Diaper Bank.
There are roughly 1.3 million homeless school aged children in America. And research has shown that children who experience homelessness face a wide range of challenges related to their health, emotional well-being, and safety. In this episode of Life in HD, you’ll meet Reggie Kelley who is the founder and director for the charitable organization Rise Above Poverty. Reggie’s organization collects basic necessities for homeless school kids to help them worry less about their physical condition and appearance and concentrate more on learning. This is his story.
To learn more about homeless school children in America, see this PBS article.
Music featured in this episode is provided by:
Mindfulness is the psychological process of bringing one’s attention to experiences occurring in the present. To be fully present and aware of one’s self is actualized living. That’s according to Kirk Abner, author of the book Flower Dog Man. In this episode of Life in HD, I chat with Kirk about how living an actualized existence saved him from a life of depression and meaningless pursuits. I’ll also share 5 simple tips to help you cultivate more focused behavior on your journey to be fully present and aware of what’s happening in the moment.
On January 29th, actor Jussie Smollett, known for his role on the FOX show Empire, reported that he was assaulted by two masked men who beat him while using racial and homophobic slurs in Chicago. After weeks of investigation, the Chicago Police Department has now issued Smollett a felony disorderly conduct charge.
Joining me on this episode of Pop Life is Bob Thompson, Director of the Bleier Center for Television and Popular Culture at Syracuse University, and Leslie Streeter, entertainment writer for the Palm Beach Post out of West Palm Beach, FL to help make sense of it all.