Married to High Maintenance

Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered

My wife Angela is undoubtedly a beautiful woman and takes “high-maintenance” to a different plateau. Aside from battling her for sufficient shelf space for my own personal care products, I am not affected by her beauty upkeep. It rarely disrupts my life. This morning was one of the rare occasions that it did. This morning, I found her beauty to be affecting and, in actuality, intoxicating.

She spent most of her before-work prep time in front of the bathroom mirror. I found myself looking in her direction quite often. I donned colorful socks and laced up my white shoes before stepping into the bathroom to brush my teeth. As I completed my oral hygiene routine, I moved closer to Angela to say goodbye and wish her a nice day. She was beautiful. More so than normal. She stood there, a vision, putting the final touches on perfection. Her hair laid perfectly. Makeup applied without flaw. Lip color popped like a single rose emerging from a dark stained glass vase. Her jeans defined contours that spoke to being a woman; grown and sexy. And she smelled damn good.

My overtures to “togetherness” were met with, “You’re just horny”. I know when I’m horny and this situation was far deeper than that. It was primal.IMG_0348

I refuse to boil all of that down to being horny. There were some other invisible forces at work here. I considered,for a moment, the possibility that I married a black-magic woman. That some voodoo root or spell had been cast on me. That she could manipulate me with a doll and a few stick-pins. Or some mystical concoction of chicken blood, dog hair and sassafras root had been mixed in my wine. But that would require that I believe in the mystical and I don’t.

Thoughts of her smell, her curves, her lips haunted me for most of my day and I had to know why. I needed to know why I felt this way today and not yesterday; why we are attracted to the people we find attractive; and if not a black magic root, then what? What drives our primal magnetism? How much does confidence, passion and personality come into play?

Turns out that there is a significant amount of research on what attracts us to our lovers and friends.

Research shows that a person’s most attractive trait is their availability. Somehow, Angela was communicating some serious availability this morning.

In dating relationships, it is about physical availability – will this person mate with me? Within long-term relationships it’s more about emotional availability. Is this person available to connect with me?

Sexy body language also comes into play. An open torso is a non-verbal communication signaling availability. Folded arms will get you the opposite effect. Visible hands tend to signal trust. Studies show that we mistrust someone if we can’t see their hands.

Did you know that a man can detect a woman’s fertility? The is perhaps pheromones at work. A woman will give off a different scent during the fertility cycle that might make her more attractive to men. These are serious DNA level decisions that we have no control over.

Research also suggest that we are more attractive to bilateral symmetry. Meaning that a person’s facial features are aligned and proportionate. This is important to diversifying and deepening the gene pool. Asymmetry can mean that there is some DNA damage at play and our internal wiring will suggest that we move on to more attractive options.

Then we have the “cuddle hormone”, Oxytocin. Oxytocin is a powerful hormone that renders grown, macho men into snugly teddy bears. It plays a huge role in pair bonding. It is thought to be released when hugging and touching and can increase in men as they get older. It causes us to seek closeness and physical contact.

Wife’s confidence and swagger is damn near erotic as well. In watching her get ready this morning, I knew that she was preparing to kick ass in the workplace. She sauntered. When she saunters, you know her swag meter is on 10.

So here’s what likely contributed to this morning’s experience: 1) All of Angela’s mirror primping, hair adjusting, and makeup application revealed a perfect symmetrical face; 2) Angela was likely at the height of her fertility cycle and, thus, emitted high pheromone levels; 3) Angela communicated physical and emotional availability; and 4) my Oxytocin levels were off the chart. Then again, I could have been horny. Regardless of the cause, I’ll have a bit of fun further exploring this over the weekend.

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